By Nimer “Neem” Basha
“Something About Men”
It surprises me sometimes how little men and women know about each other. We deal with members of the opposite sex all the time, but few of us actually absorb the differences enough to get a solid grasp on how to handle the other person’s idiosyncrasies.
A little later in this edition of Neem’s Themes, I will share with you all, particularly our female readers, one particular trait that men have that can actually be used to a woman’s advantage once she understands how powerful it is. I had to articulate this to a female friend of mine, Cindy, during a party recently. Cindy was telling me and some other friends – men and women – about an incident she’d had with her ex-boyfriend:
“Can you believe that crazy son-of-a-bitch called me up last night and had the nerve to ask me to come over?! I let him have it. I told him, ‘After all you put me through, and you haven’t called me in four months, you dare call me now?! You’re a [expletive] and a mother [expletive]. I hate you, and I never want to see you again…’ I told him off for about five minutes!”
Cindy then laughed and was given high-fives by the other ladies. I told her she didn’t do herself any favors at all by cursing him out and telling him that she hates him. But the ladies all insisted that she did the right thing, and that he “deserved what he got.”
I asked Cindy if she’s truly mad at her ex-boyfriend, and she replied “Of course!”
Then I asked, “If you’re mad at him, you wanted to make him feel like crap, no?”
Cindy nodded, but was a little puzzled; she didn’t understand why I’d ask that question. In her mind, she DID make him feel like crap by yelling at him. But I told her that she made the wrong call. Her ex didn’t get what she felt he deserved. He got much better than he deserved.
After some eye-rolling and confusion, the women asked me for elaboration, so I gave it to them. If Cindy really wanted to make this guy feel low, she should not have yelled at him when he called; she should have shown no emotion. Cindy needed to respond with complete indifference towards this guy. The conversation should have gone a little something like this:
“Hello … Who’s this? … Oh, hey, how are you. What’s going on? … You want to come over? Nah, I’m good. I’m folding clothes right now, and I’m about to head out to the movies with a friend. But hey can I speak with you another time; I’m on the other line. Thanks, bye.”
Yeah… something to that effect is what Cindy should have said. And what would really sell it is the way she said it. She should have spoken those words with the same tone that you had when you answered the phone as a kid, and one of your parents’ friends was the person calling. Remember: you’re playing video games or watching TV, and this older person, who you have no interest in talking to, is calling to speak with your mom. You’re not rude, because your mother raised you better than that (right?), but you are completely indifferent. Apathetic. You genuinely don’t care. It’s kind of like, “Yeah, sure, I’ll take a message, and I’ll tell mom you called. Thanks, good-bye.”
THAT is how you treat an ex-boyfriend if you really want to hurt him.
So, as promised at the top of this article, here is that male trait that women can exploit to their benefit. This is a little insight into how the male mind works (and some men don’t even realize they think like this, but we all do):
Men don’t mind being loved. We even don’t mind being hated. But we cannot stand being forgotten.
This is something that so few women have figured out. Most women would respond to their ex-boyfriend in the same way Cindy did – yelling, cursing, telling him off. But he is fine with that, because you are still giving him attention.
As long as you are angry, it means you haven’t moved on from him. He’s still “got” you!
What you have to keep in mind is that both love and hate elicit passion. That’s why we men are okay with both those emotions. If you hate me, you still care.
So, to all the ladies out there, if you really want to punish a man and show him that you’re truly over him, you need to treat him as a complete non-factor in your life (even if it’s just a show!) Do not let him see anger or emotion of any kind. Treat him as you would treat the person in front of you on line at the post office. He’s just there.
So that’s the thing about us men…
If we break up with you, and you still love us, we love it.
If we break up with you, and you are filled with negative emotions that consume you because you can’t get us off your mind, we’re fine with that.
But if we break up with you, and you forget us … you make us an afterthought … you make us simply ‘someone you used to know’ – that’s something that the male ego would have a very difficult time dealing with.
I’m going to chat more about this in next month’s edition of Neem’s Themes when I talk about one of the worst words in the male vocabulary: “Friendzone”
For now, I’d love to hear your feedback, as always.